the brasharian

Ass Appeal


By J. A. Crane


Eligible Assholes for reality shows.

Who are these guys?  They are your student peers, your coworkers, your elders, your family, maybe some of your friends.  We call them Assholes, Dicks, Jerks, Douche bags, Fuckers, Pricks, some of us even make up our own names for some of our favorites.  Why are they so appealing?  It’s funny with girls: they start dating an asshole because they want to sleep with him, then they begin a long term relationship with them bound to be filled with strife where the girl thinks they can change the man.  Tends to disprove the femme-promoted notion that women are smarter than men?


Many argue it’s the confidence.  Others say its the overcompensation of said confidence.  Some of them have intelligence, looks, skills or talents they feel they need to show off more.  Regardless, the bad boys are still the ones that get the girls and the less compassionate are the most fortunate.


We have nobody to blame but ourselves because the assholes piss us off.  There are the Jersey Shore assholes, the Upper East Side assholes, the red neck assholes, I mean wherever you go you will find them.  Many of them manifest their insecurities by priming their physical fitness, getting that expensive car, doing whatever it is they have to do to make them feel like they are not as much a loser as they think they are.


Let’s operationalize the term “asshole” into a word that means someone with a confrontational attitude who ranks above average in looks and engages in activities that could be considered harassment.  Some people are ass holes because they look good, others are assholes because they do not look good and want to alleviate that dissatisfaction in other ways.  What’s true for one asshole isn’t always true for another.  Not always.


Some assholes are just cocky but have a sensitive side.  I have many straight friends who are considered assholes by some.  But they’re nice guys.  The story is different when you involve love interests with the assholes, especially in this generation’s culture of easy sex, casual hookups and convenient sex.  Guys with many intimate partners are still considered studs, in both the straight and the gay styles.  They’re still whores, no doubt about that, but that’s not a quality worth judging in a person.


When I meet someone, I greet them with a smile and I make sure to show them the respect they deserve by being nice and polite.  It really does help with meeting people and giving a great first impression.  I can get along with just about anyone and assholes usually don’t bother me when I’m out.  My experiences in high school were much different, but as I’ve matured I’ve developed strong a strong personality; a quality many douche bags secretly like.  We as a society forget that we all have problems.  We all have things that bother us but our resiliency and coping mechanisms help determine what kind of person we will be.  Most of these assholes had childhood problems; perhaps abandonment or even the possibility of abuse, so don’t hate people who are rude jerks.  Just give them the finger, say something perverted about their father and keep on living your life.  I sometimes think that’s what they like to see and hear.  Unless under the influence of alcohol, which you should then avoid conflict because if someone wants to get into a fight when they’re drunk, they’ll find one to get into.

I do believe there is a lesson to be learned by these cocky fellows.  Some people are too nice, are too considerate and often times, naïve.  Selflessness is not learned, it is inherited and gifted to people who were meant to do big things and make a difference.  Selfishness can be inherited, but can be learned and conditioned very easily.  As social circles continue to diversify and create new classes and cultural creatures, each niche will form their own type of asshole who will be formulated accordingly to the independent recipes of family drama and self confidence.  Let’s all raise a glass and share a toast to a new era of study of one of the most dominant characteristics spread throughout all sub-cultures of society.


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